I don't trust myself

When it comes to reading important things, I absolutely, 100% do not trust myself. It's one of those pet peeves I have (but it's like a pet peeve... against myself? I don't know... you know what I mean).

So I've graduated from high school and am on my way to university (this fall). A lot of important emails and whatnot has been coming in. These emails contain vital info about payments and orientation and blah, blah, blah.

When I'm reading these super vital emails, I'm going through it and thinking to myself Wait! You missed something! Go back. No wait, never mind. It's really strange, but I feel like the first time I read something is the most important. I can only read it for the first time once, and in that first time, I feel like I get the full impact of the writing. Once I've read it once and I read it again, it won't have the same effect. I know it's stupid to think this and the logic makes absolutely no sense, I truly believe this (I don't know why...). So when I read an important email (for example) for the first time, I will read it super slowly, so slow I get annoyed with myself, but I have to. I go through each line like I'm analyzing literature or something at school.

Then I finish reading it and I'm satisfied for a second before I start doubting myself. What if I skipped over something? What if I misread it? What if I took the news the wrong way? So many what if's flood my mind. I don't know what to think.

I will literally read something 10 times just to be sure I read everything correctly.

I do this for everything, not just super important emails from the university.

I do this when buying something online. I'll check over the credit card number like 5 times; I'll check my shipping address 10 times; and I'll check my order, way too intently, 100 times to make sure I ordered the right stuff at the right price and make sure that shipping is free and the taxes are right (because I'm crazy like that). I hate triple double-checking things (and so on) every time I buy something online. But there is no room for error. One mistake could mean my stuff gets shipped somewhere else or I get the wrong size or wrong item. I just can't have that! I can't!

I even read these posts several times to check spelling and scan for grammar mistakes. I don't even trust myself when writing this super chill/no pressure/amateur blog. I constantly worry over making a fool of myself over misspelling one little word or switching two words and sounding stupid. It shouldn't matter, I know, but I can't not relax.

I know I sound super dramatic and crazy (like why do I check over things so many fucking times?) and I know you probably think I'm mental or something, but I just can't trust myself to get things right the first time. I'm prone to making stupid, but world-ending mistakes. It's just the way things are.