My worst critic is...

I have this problem, like this HUGE problem.... I keep bullying myself. Over the years, I have become my own critic, and I am the worst. I don't know why I'm so tough on myself, but I am... Like I can't help but bring myself down.

Right now, I'm starting to apply for universities and colleges. Recently I applied for this college (and it's not a very good one...) as my back up plan, because who knows, maybe I won't get into the university of my dreams, and end up going somewhere else... And that somewhere else was this college. My friends and I applied on different days: I applied midnight of the day admission stuff started and my friends applied the day after. When you've been accepted into a program, you'll get an email. All my friends got an email the day after they applied, and by all I mean every single one of them got an email, I however... have yet to get an email, and it's been a couple days now. So suddenly I feel like I have failed. Now I keep telling myself I'm not good enough to get into the better universities and colleges. I tell myself that my grades aren't good enough because they're not 99% A's... But let's be real, 99% is extremely hard to achieve, and quite frankly, it's not realistic. But I still tell myself you're not good enough; you're not smart enough; you're not artistic enough and I hate myself for thinking these things, but at the same time I can't help it. My mind just generates these thoughts by itself; I can't control it!

I'm not just super harsh on myself because of post-secondary stuff, I'm just really mean to myself on a daily basis. Like in the morning, after doing my hair, I tell myself your hair is ugly, you look like a mess. Then I'll go pick an outfit for the day, then my mind will be like you're going to wear that? You'll look sloppy. And then I pick something else, and my mind goes no, don't wear that, you'll look weird. Then I just end up wasting time staring at my closet, like I've been possessed or something.

Whenever I think of something absolutely amazing, whether it is an idea for a book or a design for a painting or whatever else that comes to mind, I immediately shoot down the idea, thinking I'll never be able to commit to it, or I won't be good enough to actually make it happen, and it's so frustrating! Why can't I just let myself do something without critiquing myself in the most cruelest ways??!! Why do I have to bully myself all the time?? No one has to tell me I'm not good enough to put me down, because I do that all on my own.

I find it really aggravating that I can't shut off my inner judge long enough to actually get something done. Like leave me alone, you stupid bastard!!!! Go away! But hey, no matter how hard you try, you just can't get rid of that stupid critic; you'll just have to find a way to deal with it.