So... I started writing that book...

that I've been thinking about for a little over 2 years now! Ah! Everything's happening so fast. One second I'm a lazy couch potato and the next I'm a writer and dream achiever!

I think that I spent so long not writing the book because I was afraid. Afraid of it not being what it is in my head, of it sucking so bad people will wonder why I wanted to write a book in the first place, and of it just being a failure. It's terrifying to think that something you hold so dearly, something so precious (almost like a baby) could end up being a failure.

I was always super excited and confident about my story idea. But the second I think about other people reading it or knowing about it, I don't feel so great. What if they think it's stupid? What if it sounds like another story that already exists? What if my writing just isn't good enough?

A lot of people have a lot of expectations for me. Example: a few people at work think I'm really good at English, writing, reading and all the stuff. (By the way, if I never mentioned, I work at a tutoring centre and I teach English/reading/writing.) I feel like I have to be an expert at writing and the English language because they think I'm really good.

You guys might have expectations for me too. You probably already formed an opinion about my writing style and whatnot.

I always feel like I can't meet any expectations, like I'm always not good enough. I guess that's what happens when you're a self-doubter. It sucks. For once I wish I could actually feel good about what I've done and proudly show it. I've only written the prologue and first chapter of my book and already I'm not as confident about it as I was when everything was just in my head. It's just so different. Actually writing it out means it's out in the world, it's no longer just for you. I haven't let anyone read the first snippet of my story yet because I'm not really to be judge.

The hard part about writing is finding the right person to read and critique your work. If I let my mom read it, she'll think it's absolutely amazing. Because I'm her daughter, everything I do is amazing in her eyes. So there's no real critique there. If I let a few really close friends read it, I always feel like they're only complimenting it because we're friends and they're just trying to be supportive. Even if they genuinely love it, deep down I still think they're lying to make me happy. I mean, what kind of a sick, twisted person am I? If I give it to someone who is way too critical, their critique will only discourage me and make me feel bad. Give it to someone who's too nice and I'll get no real feedback.

I feel like this post is all over the place, but I'm just so focused on writing my story right now. I can't even think straight.

Anyways, I'm off to continue writing that book I've wanted to write for so long and am finally writing. Wish me luck!