I have no friends

I have never, ever, been good at making friends or even talking to new people. It's an ongoing struggle and I hate myself sometimes for not being as outgoing as other people. It sometimes makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me, and I convince myself that maybe I'm too boring or just too peculiar and no one wants to talk to me. It sucks. I shouldn't even be thinking this because there is probably nothing wrong with me, but I just keep putting myself down.

I have a few close friends and that's about it. I have like 2-3 close friends in every group kind of thing (I don't know what to call it), like in school or ballet or whatever.

I'm nice to everyone I meet and stuff, and that's where it stops; I'm not their friend and they're not my friend.

Social gatherings are the worst for me because my friends know other people there that I don't know. So when we go, we hang out for a bit, then they go off to their other friends and I'm left stranded, wondering what I should do with myself. And I just end up awkwardly standing around. I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to do? I can exchange a few words with these new people, but in the end, they don't really want to talk to me because I'm not one of their already existing friends.

Even though I don't have a million friends like everyone else, I pride myself in having great close friends. It's cheesy, but it's never about the quantity, it's about quality. I have great friends, and if other people didn't make it so awkward for me at social gatherings and things, I would be a-okay with my small group of friends and not feel bad that I don't have a huge group. But unfortunately, life doesn't work that way and when I'm surrounded by large groups where I barely know more than 2 people, it will ALWAYS feel awkward and shitty for me.

I never understood why some people can have so many friends. Like for real? Can one possibly be friends with everyone? There's this one group at my school who seem to be friends with everyone in their group and their group consists of at least 20 ish people. Is it possible that they're all friends with each other? My guess, probably not. How the fuck can anyone have like a hundred best friends and have time for all of them? I'm pretty sure that group of people at my school aren't all friends and I'm pretty sure they only group together because they're "popular" or whatever the crap they consider themselves to be.

Anyways...

I might not have a ton of friends, and maybe that's because I'm socially awkward, or maybe it's because I choose my friends carefully. I don't go around befriending everyone I meet like most people, because I don't know to make people like me, but I guess I just have to accept that I'm absolutely, shamefully bad at making friends.

At the end of the day, I really don't want to give a fuck about how many friends I have, because it shouldn't matter, and I know that, but it's kind of hard when being "popular" is such a huge fucking deal in high school, you know?