In the dark

You know that feeling you get when you're with all your friends and they say something and everyone gets it except for you? I hate that feeling.

If you've read one of my previous posts, you'll know that I don't have any classes with any of my friends and they all have spare together and a few classes together, which really sucks... for me...

Every time I talk to them after their spare, it feels like I'm just a stranger standing around eavesdropping. Most of the time I have absolutely no clue what they're talking about, or they just assume I know what they're talking about. I hate the feeling of being in the dark. It's like I've been disbarred.

During lunch, we'll be talking about something, and one of them will bring up something they talked about during their spare and I'll be forced to just sit there in silence, listening to them talk animatedly. I feel so awkward, and throughout their conversation, I continuously debate in my head whether I should ask them what they're talking about or if I should just stay silent until they realize I have no idea what they're talking about and then inform me of the subject matter. But they never seem to realize that I'm left out of many conversations, and there's a small part of me that wonders if they don't want to tell me what they're talking about because anything I offer in conversations is boring anyways. Them going off talking about stuff makes me feel like maybe they don't care if I contribute to the conversation or not. It's like I'm just kind of there, with no purpose.

I want to believe that my friends' ignorance is unintentional, but at the same time, it seems like they honestly don't give a fuck whether I'm in on what they're saying or not. One of those girls is especially, I don't know... Cold? Annoyed? when I ask what they're talking about, or she'll tell me, but she'll say it in a way that makes it seem like they're having this conversation and I'm that annoying person that never catches on and continuously annoys them with questions. She'll look at me like I'm stupid or something and make a face like why are you even asking? But I guess she doesn't realize that I don't have a fucking clue what they're talking about, because I don't read minds.

I don't know if I'm distancing myself from them or if they're distancing themselves from me, but either way, I'm the odd one out. Not all the time, but sometimes... Often enough for me to be willing to sort of rant about it on the internet.