When sleep is just not going to happen

I have a slight problem with insomnia... you know... no big deal. So, there are many, many nights where I just lie in bed and struggle to grasp sleep. And within those few sleepless hours, my brain goes crazy.

Often I will think back and reflect on all the stupid things I did the day before. I will contemplate whether people even noticed all the idiotic things I did and if they did notice (which I often convince myself they did), I'll wonder what they think of me. They think I'm an idiot. They see me as a loner. They're talking behind my back. They're not actually being nice, they're just pretending. They were probably laughing at me. And I know these thoughts are unhealthy and can really make my self-esteem plummet, but I can't help it.

Sometimes when I'm not wondering how others see me, I'll churn through a few novel ideas. And then comes the terrible part. I'll spend I don't know how long pondering about whether I should jump out of bed and write down my oh-so-brilliant story idea or if I should just stay in bed and pray to the stars that I'll somehow manage to fall asleep and remember the idea when morning comes. It's like should I write it down and risk not falling asleep for another 2 hours or should I stay and risk forgetting my novel idea. The struggle is real.

During my sleepless hours, I'll think of the most random things EVER. I don't even want to tell you because it's embarrassing. I'll tell you one not-so-stupid thing that went through my mind. I once came up with a foolproof plan on what I would do if an apocalypse were to happen. I kid you not, I spent a good hour and a half planning everything out, down to the finest detail. So stupid! I could have spent that time sleeping, although it's doubtful that I would have actually slept. 

What I hate most about not being able to fall asleep for hours is I start scaring myself. I'll continuously convince myself that there's someone outside my window, waiting to break in and maybe kill everyone. I'll make myself see things like shadows moving about, crawling along the walls. Every little noise in the house makes me jump out of my skin. A soft creak will make my heart pound like crazy or stop completely, to the point where I might give myself a heart attack. I don't know if there are ghosts in my house or whatever or if everything is literally in my head, but no matter what time of day it is, there is always some kind of creaking sound on the stairs. My house is old-ish and is mostly made out of wood, so the stairs creak when we walk up and down them, but it makes the same sound even when no one is walking up or down the stairs, even when no one, except me, is home. It's scary, man. And so I will keep imagining all these sounds and shadows all around me. I think this is the one thing that keeps me up every single night.

If it's not my thoughts keeping me awake, then it's my bed. Sometimes I lie in bed with my eyes close and try to convince myself that I'm falling asleep, stupidly hoping that I'll actually make my body and mind fall asleep. When I finally open my eyes and realize that I can't fall asleep in that position, I'll shift and move to a different spot. And this position shifting happens continuously for a good hour or two sometimes. And the end result: I'll still be super awake and now my bed is too hot from all the tossing and turning. So I'll throw all my pillows and blanket away, and suddenly it's too cold. I'll throw everything back into place and throw the blanket over myself, but the blanket is still 100 degrees. And now everything is utterly uncomfortable. And any hopes of falling asleep is dead.

After all this happens, it's like 3 or 4 am... And I went to bed at 12 or 1 am...

When I look at the clock and it reads 4 am, I know that sleep is just not going to happen that night and I might as well just give up.