Avoiding disappointment

Sometimes I feel like if I have lower standards, things will turn out better. It's like a safeguard. If I expect the worst, then things can't turn out worst than I imagined. I know it sounds bad, but it's only to protect myself.

For example, if I'm handing in an assignment (like an art project), I'll expect the teacher to absolutely hate it, to question me on why I thought that doing what I did was a good idea, to criticize everything about my project. That way, if my teacher ends up liking it, then things turned out okay. And if my teacher hates it, then it's still okay, because I was expecting it and I won't be super disappointed.

I know it's absolutely terrible to criticize myself and to make myself think that everything I do is stupid and worthless just to prepare myself for the worst, but this is just how I've learned to deal with criticism, I guess... If I've already convinced myself that I suck at everything, then when someone goes to condemn me, I've already heard it in a sense, and the blow won't be as hard.

I try to set my standards super low when going to parties or school events or any sort of social gathering. I've got social anxiety and social gatherings are just terrible for me. So I'll think up every awkward and terrible scenario possible before the gathering, that way I'll know what to expect and how to react in that situation. I'll think: the moment I walk in, an awkward silence will fall over the place; when we're eating I'll have nothing to say and I'll just be sitting there silently while everyone around me is talking; my friends are going to go off to talk to their other friends and I'll be deserted for a good 10 minutes. And the thoughts just keep coming. But it's good preparation. When I do go to the party or whatever and none of the awkward extremes I thought of happen, the experience of the whole thing will seem much better.

I know that my way of comforting myself is a bit twisted, but hey, it works. I don't end up feeling as bad about awkward situations or stuff I do.

This strategy (thinking of the worst possible scenarios) works particularly well when it comes to my writing and artwork. With art, it's such a personal thing. I'll always finish an artwork and look at it with a proud smile; then I'll go to hand it in or show it to people, and the pride is no longer there, because I can't help but wonder what people think of my artwork, my baby. Do they hate it? Think it's stupid? Looks childish/confusing/ nonsensical? With writing, it's the same thing. You're putting out your thoughts and feelings and lying everything out, and it can be intimidating for people to read and criticize, and for them to dissect everything and find meaning behind your words. I don't even know why I'm writing about my personal problems and putting it on the internet... As long as I don't know what the haters are thinking, then it's all good. Ignorance is bliss, right?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm setting my standards a bit too low, but whatever... I mean, the lower the better. Better to expect less than more.