I am an outsider...

Everyone knows what an outsider is (a person who isn't part of a group).

Recently, I have found myself to be somewhat of an outsider at school. I mean, it's not a terrible thing, because right now, I honestly couldn't care less about school. But it's hard sometimes feeling like everyone's in their groups and they're judging you and pitying you because you're kinda alone. I don't have any classes with my friends and I have an inability to make friends so that sucks. There's no one really to talk to during class (not that I really want to talk to anyone in my classes), and maybe that's because everyone's friend groups are set in stone. There's no changing groups or adding new people; it just doesn't work that way in high school. But whatever, you know. In about 2 months, maybe even less, I'm gonna be out of there. So I don't really care anymore.

Maybe it's my recent state of nonchalance that's driving people away... I don't know...

I just hate the feeling of being alone. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being alone, and I love spending time with myself, but when I'm around other people and I'm alone, I feel pretty shitty about myself. I can't help but think that maybe they're all looking at me and judging me. I know no one cares about whether I'm alone or not, but there's a small part of me that knows they notice and they take pity on me. Who wants pity? No one.

I feel like I've become kind of an outsider in my own friend group. Now that's kind of sad. I mean, it doesn't really matter. To be honest, I think they're my friends only because we see each other 5 days a week. I used to have classes with my friends, so that's why we are friends. But now that they have spare together and I don't have any classes with them, I feel like we're not the same anymore. Especially since they all went on my school's geography trip and I didn't. They don't talk to me about everything anymore. Sometimes I just feel so awkward standing there while they talk away about something that obviously doesn't include me. During lunch sometimes there will be awkward long pauses during conversations like there's nothing good to talk about with me around. I know I'm the cause of the silence because I know they talk a lot during their spare and I see them talking animatedly when I walk out of class. It's almost like they feel sorry for me and rather than talk about something exclusively amongst themselves, they just let the silence engulf us.

I find myself wishing that school would just be over already so that I can the hell out of there. I've never felt like such a downer and so glum about school before. What's wrong with me?

The only good thing to come out of not having classes with my friends is that I can actually get stuff done. And I made a few new friends during spare. So maybe I'm not that bad at making friends after all. There's this one girl, who I've become quick friends with, that just gets how I'm feeling. It makes me feel less shitty about myself, which is exactly what I need right now.

It feels good to finally get that off my chest. Writing this has suddenly made me realize that yes, school is a hellhole, but I still have many friends outside of school and my spare-block buddy that actually care, and that makes me feel so much better.